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Jokes for the Road

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Jokes for the Road  

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Did you hear about the midget psychic that just escaped from prison? They said on the news, be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

While driving down a dark road on vacation in Florida when suddenly I hit something.
I get out of the car and I realized I had just hit a pig.
I then put the pig in the trunk and took it home.
The next week I get a call from the sheriff, he said that I was being fined a $100.00 for hitting a domestic animal.
I asked the sheriff how could you possibly know that I hit a pig? The sheriff said that the pig squealed.

Will Miss Isippi where her New Jersey to the ball?
Idaho, Alaska!

Heaven And Hell
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

What do you call a scared biscuit ?
A cowardy custard cream !

What do you call a song played on car horns?
A car tune !

What do you call an elephant that has had too much to drink ?
Trunk !

What do you call a kangaroo at the North Pole?
A lost kangaroo !

What do you call a puzzle that is so hard it makes people swear ?
A crossword !

Did you hear the story about the skunk?
Never mind, it stinks.

How can you name the capital of every U.S. state in two seconds?
Washington, D.C.

What did the electric plug say to the wall?
Socket to me!

What have eyes but can't see?
Needles, storms and potatoes.

Why are diapers like $10 bills?
Because you have to change them.

Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it used to be?
Because the dimes (times) have changed.

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Did you hear about the idiot who sat up all night wondering where the sun had gone?
The next morning it dawned on him.

Doctor, doctor, I have trouble getting to sleep at nights.
Lie on the edge of the bed - you'll soon drop off.

How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?
He used a skeleton key.

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